Timo Tolkki's Avalon - Angels Of The Apocalypse (2014)

No way.  No link for this.  Uh-uh.  We don't hate you THAT much.
Guinny's Opinion
OMGWTFBBQ???  

WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST LISTEN TO?  I'VE GOT FREAKIN' RADAR DISHES FOR EARS, AND YOU SUBJECT ME TO THIS???  

SOMEBODY GET ME A CHALKBOARD.. LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!  

I'm calling the ASPCA, motherf---
Mom says:
Hey!  Watch the language, dog!

I swear.. sometimes its just a never ending stream of doggie swearing around here.

I know two dogs who better clean up all of these toys that cover the floor in here before they get grounded from the internet.
Arthur's Opinion
Woah!  Be cool, mom.  I mean - did you hear this travesty???

Sure, Tolkki was a genius in the past, and the actual first song on this album isn't complete horrible..   The rest of it is a collection of some of the most godawful noises ever made in the history of ever.

Not only is the writing completely atrocious, the mastering and mixing are some of the worst.  Maybe this would sound better on a wax cylinder?  It couldn't hurt.

I feel sorry for poor Floor Jansen - apparently, she wasn't aware exactly what the crazy could do, and Tolkki completely destroyed her performance with his ineptness.  She should probably count herself lucky - she didn't get eaten.

We still love the Kiske, but please - never again.  

Guinny says:
Stop being so nice, Arthur.  This complete train wreck of an album makes Saana, Warrior Of Light look like a masterpiece.  In particular, Rise Of the 4th Reich - <ed - tasteless WWII jokes edited out.  I can't control her sometimes.  Apologies.>  

OMFG - shoot me now. I wish we had a physical copy of this thing, so I could shatter the CD and commit doggie seppuku with the shards. 

If Timo Tolkki was on fire, I wouldn't tinkle on him to put it out - and I LIKE peeing on things.

I made more artistic sounds this morning when I had the trots.  It also had a lot more consistency and left a better aftertaste than this tragedy of recording hell.


Arthur says:
The next time we decide that we have a good idea for an album review...



....please stop us.


Thank you.

I fear sleep tonight - the nightmares.. I fear the dark now.    

Tolkki wouldn't find us and eat us, would he?
I may never be able to wash the stink of this album out of my fur..
The Consensus
Arthur, Guinny, and, well.... the rest of the internet hated this album.  It's just not good at all. Sadly, the previous effort was actually decent, and this one took a left turn off a cliff and exploded into a flaming bag of poo.

I fear I may never get it out of the treads of my shoes.
Arthur and Guinny give Timo Tolkki's Avalon - Angels Of The Apocalypse 
8 Steaming Coils Of Crap out 10.